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#coachthursdays - How to be alone and how to maximise your time alone

19/11/2020

Love to learn and learn to love, and you will learn to see that many are with you, you are never alone. And when physically alone, just know opportunity is near and far’ – Jonathan Lilley




Perspective is everything. Unfortunately many cultures and even societies have led us to feel the need to belong, to be accepted, and even married as soon as possible, then have a good career, house, and children, as the major signs of happiness and success.




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There are certain topics I have never been taught or been told I need to prepare for. I do believe we should teach people that we were born alone, and there will be many times in our lives that we may find ourselves alone, and there is an opportunity in these seasons, we should be learning to find opportunity in all seasons. However, I have seen in society that this is not the case.




The word ‘alone’ has become associated with loneliness, or even sadness and depression. When relationships end people are told to bounce back, by moving on. The world calls it a rebound person, people were taught to get back in the saddle, make yourself available, it was as though, being alone was too terrible that some would get into quick relationships with anyone, just to not have to deal with the rejection or the pain; or just to be able to say you have something.




As a child I believed being a king was about how many girls I could know, and having links from many areas, perhaps like King Solomon had a wife from many nations, this was my ambition. If it wasn’t for my faith I don’t believe I would have found the joy and power of being alone.




Although having faith may help to realise there is a difference between being lonely and being alone, I have found habitually many of us don’t really try to appreciate alone time. We often enter our homes and immediately turn on something, such as the TV, or music, or videos on our phones or scrolling social media for hours, we do everything except actually spending time with the silence and being alone.




Many people don’t have time to even feel bad or remember they are alone, as they make sure they keep very busy, whether it be from a job, or church life and ministry work, or just trying to make money and reach goals, etc. This can be helpful, but I still feel the world does not fully teach us the concept or appreciation for being alone or prepare people for the fact you may end up alone for many seasons in your life, and how to maximise this time instead of associating it with loneliness and letting this lead to a downturn in your well-being health.




Even the bible states it is not good for a man to be alone, but it also states delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. I have to wonder if perhaps it is what we do when we are alone that is the real problem, the things we do when bored, and when our feelings, our thoughts, our desires, are not being met. But what if you could realise the potential of being alone and change your desires. What if you could change your perspective?




How to maximise the time alone, and how to be alone: –




1) Realise the power of being alone – The world is full of stimulation, it is seeking to ensure everyone is connected digitally. Studies suggest that many are spending over 5 hours on their phone per day. We are being fed information from the media and different mediums, millions of gigabytes of data we receive daily, we are being cluttered with information, cluttered with distraction, we are not allowing ourselves to even be alone, even in the times when there are no physical people around us.




2) Decide to enjoy silence. Studies suggest that being alone does not necessarily mean not having someone physically around you, being alone can also be turning off the noise, turning off the TV, the music. You could even go walking the dog or go walking with your partner but in silence. The studies suggest it is about getting away from the stress, but if your dog or partner is part of that stress then it will be best to take that walk by yourself.




Enjoying the silence is more about silencing the world, being alone can also mean more spiritual discipline where you spend time with God, even you and your partner could both be together worshiping or praying but you are in a sense alone, spending alone time with God even though you are not physically alone. The key is getting away from the world, getting away from the noise, including getting away from your thoughts and perceptions that it is bad to be single, get away from thinking there is something missing and you are waiting for someone to come and complete you. You are complete and if not, get complete and fulfilled while you are alone, make plans for your self-care, and living a purposeful life full of passion and love for things more than yourself.




3) Use the alone time to your advantage, reflect, and learn to be content. Do you love yourself? You need to be happy by yourself. If society makes you believe you can only have real happiness when you are with someone, then you have minimised the power you have and the power of being in love with yourself.




Your alone time can be used to help you learn new skills, learn new business ideas, perhaps even prepare you for marriage, prepare you for a successful marriage, as you would have spent your alone time, becoming wiser and smarter, becoming even richer and financially more comfortable, so when you have children you are minimising the stress that can come from poverty.




4) Get a routine set, and plan to have some alone time, some self development time, some one on one with God time, time away from social media and technology just you.




You could even get some of this alone time by starting small. Instead of washing plates or doing chores with music and noise, do some everyday tasks without no music, learn to become more mindful. ‘Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed’.




5) Spend time connecting to yourself, speaking to yourself, speaking to your subconscious, meditating on positive things, on your goals during your alone time. Visualise your visions and dreams, plan time to do this daily as well as time to practice things and learn new skills such as playing an instrument or even learning chess. Studies suggest that sports drills were practiced by one team just in their head and by another team through physical training and both made the same levels of progress.





6) Never stop learning, keep learning new things until you find something that you love learning. Learn to unlearn the stigma of being alone. Learn to learn who you really are, as the truth can literally set you free from all false beliefs. Being alone is necessary, and when it is forced upon you, and you would rather not be alone, change your perspective, think about the things you can control and not the things you cannot.





7) Understand you are never even really alone. My favourite person in the bible was Enoch. It is said Enoch was raptured, taken up in the clouds, death did not take him, and it was just because he walked with God. I realised that before there was the law, commandments, rules, and religion, Enoch pleased God by just realising he is never alone and just walking with God. Be content, be full of faith, better is coming, but better is also already here.








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A father, a teacher, a poetic life coach who knows to say it, feel it, see it like you already are it, now repeat it, till you are it. Obtaining wealth is a skill that can be taught. Fulfillment, completeness and divine wholeness is a manifestation of your choices. Make the right choice and transform your life, one word at a time.

Jonathan Lilley

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